After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man

on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

 

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

 

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

 

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

 

"That's me before the surgery

If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

Maxine's Way ~~~ If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the rea l woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

 

Martha's Way ~~~ Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Maxine's Way ~~~ Celery? Never heard of it!

 

Martha's Way ~~~ Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Maxine's Way ~~~ The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

 

Martha's Way  ~~~ Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Maxine's Way  ~~~ Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

 

Martha's Way  ~~~  If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

 Maxine's Way  ~~~  Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

 

Martha's Way ~~~  Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces

Maxine's Way ~~~  Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

 

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message on this
stupid machine .

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

Ask not for whom the bell tolls,

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Heaven, God speaking...

Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. (Then you find something that makes a beeping sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds, until they start talking, then make another beep, and do that over and over.)

Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for (your name), your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP)

Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.


Hi this is ____'s machine. My name is (pause) well that's not important. (Pause) Ya know it gets very lonely being here all day. (Pause) maybe you could stay and talk. (Pause) please talk to me after the beep, please talk to me after the beep ........... BEEP!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi this is Sonny and Attie's machine. Medicare didn’t send us enough money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store. If this is the police we are just napping.

Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back

Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number?

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you...

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.

Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

You've called our number, but we don't care. If we did, we'd be here. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll call u back, when your not home.

You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance.

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

 Maxine's Way ~~~~~~ Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

 

Martha's Way ~~~~ To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Maxine's Way ~~~ Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

 

Martha's Way ~~~ When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any wh ite mess on the outside of the cake.

Maxine's Way ~~~ Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

LoL I like Maxine's Way.....